Thankful

As I sit down to write this I am conflicted because in one breath I feel like I have no idea what to write, and in the next I am not sure that I will ever stop typing the words that are tumbling out of my brain. How can I find the words to express all that I have to be thankful for? How can I possibly help others understand my gratitude or perhaps even preserve this overwhelming feeling of gratitude that I have in this moment so that I can revisit it myself in the future? I'm not sure that there's an adequate answer to that question, so I'm just going to let these words fall out of my mind, through my fingers, onto this screen.

Thankful. Yes, it is Thanksgiving Day, but even when it isn't, I frequently find myself reveling in this life that is mine. It isn't without difficulty. It doesn't come without hard days, weeks, even years. This life isn't free of hardship or heartache. And yet, I often think to myself, there can't possibly be anyone on this earth that is as blessed as I am. This life is absolutely nothing of what I imagined it would be. I would never, ever, ever have told you that I would find my 27-year-old self living in an urban area a mere hour away from where I grew up. As a senior in high school, I would have predicted that 10 years later, I would be living in a third-world country helping to meet the physical (specifically medical) needs of people in the developing world. But I'm not. Instead I spend my days in a classroom despite the fact that I always said I would never be a teacher. Instead of Thailand, I call North Townsend Street my home. It is not everything I ever wanted life to be. I have found that it is truly so much more.

Thankful. For family, both near and far. Family like my husband who

loves me even in my most unlovable moments. Family that loves in the most incredible ways. Family that proves that distance doesn't matter. Family that makes me laugh and smile on the hardest days. Family that helps prepare Thanksgiving feasts. Family that texts recipes to help from afar. Family that gathers when loved ones are in town. Family that scrambles to make the mashed potatoes and carve the turkey when at the last minute other loved ones are called away to spend time by the bedside of a dying family member. For family that is celebrating in Texas and California. For family that loves, no matter what.

Thankful. For friends that I have known for a lifetime and those I have only met in recent years. Friends that I grew up with and friends who I've met in adulthood who have stretched me and caused me to grow in unbelievable ways. Friends who wake up at 4:30 in the morning to meet me at the gym. Friends who love "my kids" as much as I do and who totally get it when my heart hurts for one of these incredible young people. Friends who live across the street, around the corner, on the other side of the city, an hour down the Thruway, across the country, and around the world. Friends who I could not possibly love more if they were my own flesh and blood. Friends who feel like they are flesh and blood even when they speak a different first language, come from a different background, and look completely different from me. Friends who know exactly what I need and when I need it and they jump in and do whatever that is. Friends who clear my table, wash, dry, and put away my dishes after a Thanksgiving meal that they shared around our table in our home in this beautiful, wonderful neighborhood we call home. Friends who "get" me, who understand my heart, my calling, my passions. Friends who bless me in more ways than I could ever have hoped for.

Thankful. For home. For feeling more at home in this space than I probably ever have in my whole life. My heart is at home. This neighborhood is one of the absolute biggest blessings in my life. As I type this, I'm listening to three precious children giggling away as they work on homework in my dining room. They are writing thank you letters to policemen, reading books off my shelf, and practicing their alphabet. This neighborhood lets me walk for half a block and buy the best coconut milk, spices, and tropical fruit from the best little Vietnamese store. This neighborhood has me opening my door at 6:00 to two more neighbors, sharing apple crisp, and reveling in the beauty that comes in diversity. This neighborhood has given me neighbors that shower me in thanks in the form of eggs, chicken, and paper towels. Neighbors that shovel our driveway without being asked. Neighbors who allow me to share in their first-ever snowball fight. Neighbors that welcome us into their homes for afternoons, meals, or even for days, weeks, and months while we were between housing. Neighbors who make me laugh nearly every time I interact with them. Neighbors who call me in tears when they are at their lowest moments and are in need of a listening ear. Neighbors who ask to celebrate their birthdays in our home. This neighborhood is home in the best way imaginable.

Thankful. For a job that I love. For incredible co-workers. For the best students. For an administrator who is everything I could ask for me and more. Thankful. For a warm home. For delicious, healthy food in my refrigerator. For my health. For my upbringing. For financial stability. For a God that loves me. Who desires the best for me and those that I love. A God who inspires me to do what I do. A God whose love covers all. A God who is faithful even when I am not. A God who orchestrates things in such incredible ways that I will never fully understand. A God who knows me better than I know myself. A God who created this life for me and placed me exactly where He wants. A God who is bigger and greater and better than I could ever possibly imagine. A God who chooses to bless me in such absolutely incredible ways.

Thankful. Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow. Always. For the things I listed. And SO much, much more.

I am more blessed than I could ever have imagined.

The Beginnings of a New Adventure

We are about to embark on a journey a bit unlike any other that we've experienced thus far. It's a journey that has probably been discouraged just as much as it's been encouraged. By well-intentioned friends and family members. People who love and care about us who wonder if we're making a wise decision. Will we be safe? Is this the area we want our future children to grow up in? What about the violence? And the schools? And the poverty? And the crime rate?

Yes, we are aware of all of these things and more. While I've never questioned my safety, it is simply undeniable that we'll be living in a neighborhood with a drastically higher crime rate than any we've lived in before. I'm well aware of the challenges in our school district. After all, I've spent the last 2.5 years doing everything I can to combat them. And I also see the bright spots of our schools. Every. Single. Day. And that part about future kids? It is absolutely a resounding yes - this neighborhood is exactly where I hope they'll spend their most formative years.

Will there be challenges? Without a doubt. Am I ready to face them? Honestly, probably not. But am I willing to dive in wholeheartedly, holding nothing back to make my home in this neighborhood? It's easy to say that there aren't many things in life I've ever felt more sure about.

I know that there will be challenges and struggles and experiences that will undoubtedly break my heart, my spirit, and my will. I know that there will be countless tears cried, innumerable times of asking, why God?, and almost assuredly sleepless nights. Sadly there may be broken relationships, difficult discussions, and uncomfortable moments. Am I scared? A little. Am I nervous? A bit. Am I ready? Not really, but absolutely.

I realize the fact that I'm white, that I have a master's degree and a good job that pays well should mean that I never have to live in a neighborhood like this one. I grew up with both a mother and a father whose love was never questioned. I attended private school. I participated in just about any and every extracurricular activity possible because we could afford to and we had transportation. We never thought of ourselves as rich, but in so m any ways we were - and I am. I'm privileged because of where I was born, because of the color of my skin, because of the opportunities afforded to me throughout my life.

I'm privileged to be sure. But I am not better than, more deserving than anyone else. Why is it okay for the children and young people I love to live in a neighborhood with a high crime rate, but that's beneath me? Oh but it's so wonderful that we let them come to America. This has to be better than the places they've come from. True - most times it is. But if it's great for them, but not good enough for me, what does that mean if not that my life has greater value? That is a like I simply refuse to accept.

As we move into the neighborhood, it's not to "save" anyone or anything. It's to become neighbors, share the love of Christ, welcome people into our home, and build community. It's to develop relationships which allow our friends and neighbors to realize their full potential, start to dream for their own futures, and become agents of change in their own community.

I hope our move builds bridges. Bridges that allow people who look like us, believe like us, and are in the same social circles as us to have their eyes open to a whole new world of beauty and diversity. Bridges that allow our refugee neighbors to know that we are more similar than we dare to imagine and that we are no better despite our privileged position in this society. Bridges that cause our children not to think of their Congolese, Nepali, Burmese, Karen, Karenni, Iraqi, Somali, Sudanese, Ethiopian, Eritrean, Rwandan, Burundian, Yemeni, Vietnamese neighbors as different and other but as brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, cousins and friends.

Christ doesn't call us to the comfortable, the easy the safe. He calls us to a life of sacrifice, selflessness, and stretching. I'll be the first to admit that I frequently fall short. I accept the call when I want to, when it's convenient, when it's not too uncomfortable, and when my safety isn't in question. But when I'm tired or overwhelmed or just don't feel like it, I pretend I haven't heard the call or that it doesn't apply to me.

Jesus tells us to love our neighbors. And while I know that this goes beyond our definition of what a neighbor is, I'm beyond excited to literally love my neighbors - the ones I walk with on the streets, the ones who live next door, the ones I run into at the ethnic markets and the corner stores. The ones I'll have the opportunity to do life with simply by virtue of living nearby.

And this adventure? I'm so unprepared and yet so ready all at the same time. My prayer remains the same: God, break my heart for what breaks yours. Open up my eyes to the unseen by so many. Allow me to be your hands and feet. As we embark on this adventure, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will learn SO much. And I hope, just as I do everyday at school, that I might teach even half as much as I learn.

The Burden and The Blessing

I love my job. Simply put, there is absolutely no task that I can imagine doing that would bring more joy, more fulfillment, and more of everything wonderful in my life. Each and every morning when I get out of bed I know that I am going to have the opportunity to interact with, to teach, and to learn from some of the most remarkable young people on this planet.

This is my third year teaching ESL full-time in an urban school district and it is, by far, the best one yet. The past two years I have taught middle school. This year, I made the move to a school a few blocks from where I have spent the last two. I teach in a building that gets a really bad rap due to its location in the most impoverished area of our city, the lowest graduation rates in the area, and who knows what else. But, can I tell you something? This place is unbelievable. I am amazed each and every day. Overwhelmed too, but amazed. And there is no place else I would rather be. 

At the beginning of the current school year, I had 13 students...yep, only 13. They had been in Syracuse ranging from 2-8 years and had all tested in the lowest two levels of English proficiency. Over the last few months, that number has more than doubled...I think the last count had 27 on my roster. I've welcomed siblings from Somalia, Sudan, and Vietnam. I have received other new students from Nepal, the DRC, Iraq, and Burma. Refugees, mostly. A few immigrants...but mostly refugees. Some have come knowing a little English while others know none. Some are 14. Some are 18 (or so they say, but I'm really convinced that a few are pushing 22). Our classroom is a community that celebrates diversity in all of its beautiful, wonderful, various forms. And I love it.

Each of my students has a unique story. Some that I know well and could rehearse back to you. Some that I know brief snippets of. And some that I have not even begun to hear. But they all have a story. 

Sometimes when I hear their stories or see glimpses of them in the eyes of my students, it becomes a burden that seems far too heavy to carry. Sometimes when I realize that our broken system is expecting students who have never before had access to formal education to pass difficult state exams without first learning the basics, I become overwhelmed. Sometimes when I see the brokenness that continues to pervade their lives after they have come to a "better" place, my heart breaks and the burden seems unbearable. Sometimes when I realize that I am one of the first consistent people to welcome them and help them adapt to life in a new country, I begin to feel inadequate and burdened once again. 

But then there are the other moment. The other days. The ones in which I am overwhelmed by the blessing that this work is. The moments in which students who have had everything stacked against them overcome the odds and experience incredible academic success. The days on which my students ask seemingly silly, yet indescribably meaningful questions like, "Can I be your sister?" The times when I realize that I have the undeniable, absolutely incredible privilege of walking through life day by day, side by side with some of the most resilient people on this planet. 

These "kids" are going places in life. They know where they have come from. They know what they have overcome already. And they know they aren't finished yet. They journey on day by day, one step at a time. And I'm the lucky one who gets to watch and learn and celebrate and sometimes even teach them a thing or two. 

I pray that even in the moments that I feel burdened and bogged down and inadequate that the reality of this blessing might shine through in an undeniable, unbelievable way. 

A Dangerous Prayer

Have you ever prayed a prayer without fully realizing the gravity of what you're asking? Have you ever begged God for something without thinking of the implications that it might have on your day to day life? Have you ever hoped and prayed for something that you would never truly understand until it came to pass? I have. A while ago (and probably several times over the course of my life) I have prayed a prayer that has totally rocked my world and changed my life. That prayer was this:

And goodness has it ever been answered. In the hardest of ways. I'm not sure what ever possessed me to pray this in the first place. I mean, seriously, how crazy do you have to be to pray for someone to break your heart?? I'm not entirely sure, but apparently I am that crazy. And I guess I'm also crazy enough to be glad that I prayed that prayer. Is it easy? Ha. Not even close. Is it fun? Maybe as fun as a root canal (though I've never had one myself, so I'm not certain). Is it a prayer I'm thankful I prayed? Honestly, somedays yes. Somedays no. Is it life changing? Without a doubt.

I've learned a lot since I prayed that prayer. I think I've come to realize more and more what things truly break the heart of God, because I know for sure that more and more things have broken mine. Seeing families broken apart by war and alcoholism and mental illness breaks my heart. Watching shame, pain, and anger take over the hearts and minds and mouths of the teenagers that I love with all that I am breaks my heart. Listening to friends (and walking alongside of them) as they share stories of a past spent in refugee camps, adjusting to a "better" life here in America, and navigating through all of the new difficulties breaks my heart. Observing as young men and women continually feel like failures as they seek to survive and thrive in a school system not designed for them breaks my heart. Reading and receiving messages begging me to come rescue "little sisters" from situations that are mentally, emotionally, and physically dangerous breaks my heart. These...and so many more...are true examples of events and experiences that have broken my heart in the last 2 months alone. 

It is painful. Oh so painful. But it's weird. I don't know that I have ever described pain as beautiful before, but I truly and wholeheartedly believe that this is a beautiful pain. The beauty comes in the way that I feel a camaraderie with these friends and "family members" that experience this pain. The beauty shines through in the way that I feel God has absolutely, without a doubt, given me His heart and His love and His passion for these people. On my own, I would never, ever be able to keep loving, keep giving, keep understanding, and even keep breathing somedays. 

Is this a dangerous prayer to pray? Absolutely. Is it worth it? I don't know that I've ever said or done or prayed anything more worthwhile. God is faithful. In the best of times. In the worst of times. And amazingly, His grace, love, compassion, and strength overwhelm me and flow through me even in the moments that I feel utterly broken, helpless, and hopeless. When I am weak, He is strong. 

So please, God, please continue to break my heart for what breaks Yours. And continue to be my strength when I am at my weakest.

He Heals the Broken-Hearted

Nearly 2.5 years later, here I am. I have visited this space a few times and have begun to spill my words onto the page. And yet, I've navigated away leaving my words unsaid and trapping my thoughts inside my head instead. But today I am determined not to do that. Today, I will allow the words inside my head to tumble out onto this blog, regardless of how clumsy and uncertain they may sound.

About a year and a half ago, Tim and I moved an hour and a half east of the small town where we'd both grown up. We settled in Syracuse where I began teaching middle school ESL in the Syracuse City School District. It was my dream job. I have had the opportunity to build relationships with some of the most incredible, resilient, overcoming young people I have ever met. I have been blessed to come to know their families and hear their awe-inspiring stories. I have shared delicious meals, stumbled in my not-so-strong Swahili, laughed at the silliness of children that knows no cultural bounds, and cried countless tears as I've learned of the pain that so many of these precious teenagers have endured. My first year came to a close last June and I felt blessed beyond belief. I felt as though I had been successful in helping my students acclimate to American culture, learn how to read, write, speak, and understand English, and simply feel loved all along the journey.

Six months ago, I began the adventure of a new school year. On that Tuesday morning, September 2, 2014, numerous new faces filled my classroom. Many were familiar, though few were well known. Over the last six months, this new batch has changed me. They have radically transformed my life. They have challenged me, and at times, they have made me feel like a complete failure. I have begun to hear and understand their stories and I have been wrecked. There are mornings and moments that I can think of nothing else but these unbelievable young people and the unimaginable pain that they have experienced in their short lives. This year though, there is one boy, one family that has pulled at my heart strings like none other.

He is thirteen years old. An eighth grader. His family comes from Burma, a land he himself has never seen or experienced. Born in a refugee camp in Thailand, he moved to America with his father, mother, and two siblings when he was about 5 years old. After a short time living in another state, he and his mother and siblings fled from an abusive situation. They found themselves in Syracuse where they have lived for the last several years. He is thirteen years old. An eighth grader. An eighth grader that can't read at a first grade level. A thirteen year old that does not know how to subtract. A precious, resilient young man who has essentially been abandoned by his father. A child who has been abused in numerous ways by numerous people. A boy who battles deep-seeded anger, depression, shame, and frustration. An incredible teenager that I love with everything that I am.

We have experienced the joy of connection. I have seen moments where his face lights up simply because he knows that someone cares. There have been mornings that he hasn't shown up for school that I have appeared at his house, dragged him out of bed, and brought him for the rest of the day. I have seen a kid who has consistently failed every class for the last several years finally pass every single class during the second quarter. I have seen determination and hard work and perseverance. I have experienced feelings of immense, immeasurable pride as I have watched this young man excel.

And then there are the other moments. The moments during which he seems to forget all of the positives. The moments in which he becomes buried beneath the weight of the pressure. The moments that my name becomes just another word mixed into a string of expletives or the very target of such expletives. The moments in which anger rises up and takes hold of his heart, his mind, and his mouth.

Oh how it stings. At first it stings for the pain and rejection I feel after giving so much, loving so deeply and being treated so poorly. And then the sting gets worse...not because of the pain that I am actually experiencing, but because of the pain I can only imagine he must feel. The pain that causes him to feel unworthy of love, of devoted care, of words of affirmation. The sting deepens as I realize that nothing I can say or do could ever free him from the weight of this burden. It intensifies as I understand that I cannot bear the load for him. It becomes unbearable as I continue to think of the pain, the sorrow, the sadness, the shame that he must live with on a daily basis. And my heart begins to break as I pray:

Dear Jesus,
Take this precious child of yours and wrap him in your arms. Overwhelm him with your love, your peace, your fullness, your joy. Remove the burden of sorrow, sadness, and shame from his shoulders. Cause him to see himself as you see him. As a beloved child of a Father who loves him without condition. Allow him to reach a point where he can truly accept love, care, and affirmation from those around him who love him deeply. Refresh his mind and renew his heart. May you draw him to yourself in a powerful way so that he never again doubts his purpose, his value, or his past. Use me to change his life for the better. And help me to remember that you love him far, far more than I ever could. Thank you for your faithfulness and your love for this incredible, resilient young man. I trust that you have unbelievable plans for his future and I look forward to seeing all of the incredible ways that you will use him. Be with him in this moment. Hold his heart. Wipe away his tears. Comfort his mind. Restore his soul. Overwhelm him with a sense of joy he has never known. Draw him close to you.

I rest only in the knowledge that my God loves this boy more than I ever could. That he is truly a father to the fatherless. That he heals the broken-hearted and comforts the abused. That he is a helper to the helpless and a fighter for the hopeless. Tonight, this song gives me rest.

World's Worst Blogger

That's me. And yet, it's something that I love, enjoy, and find therapeutic when I dedicate the time to do so. I am constantly encouraged as I read past posts that reveal the work of God in my life. I think my problem is that I often feel a blog post needs to be profound, life-changing, and extraordinary. But I'm realizing more and more that the blogs I enjoy reading are those of friends and real people who simply talk about their everyday life. I've also come to the realization that I don't really blog for anyone else...this is just a way for me to express my thoughts and a way that enables me to better see the path that I am journeying along. And a way to reflect on all that life has been up to this point.

This morning on my way to work, God brought to mind many friends and acquaintances that I had the opportunity to meet through missions trips that I took in high school. While I have not seen most of these people in 7+ years, there is something about spending a month with someone in the context of a missions trip that builds and solidifies relationship like nothing else. Perhaps it's the experience of adapting to culture shock together. Or the depth of the prayers prayed in unity. Maybe it's the crazy experiences that you share in common as a result of such trips. Things like smelling absolutely terrible after not being able to shower for days at a time. Like cramming 18+ people in the bed of a pick-up truck climbing a mountain on a wet, mucky red clay road. And getting stuck. And walking the rest of the way barefoot.  There's just something about seeking God together and endeavoring to serve His people that brings unity. And I love it.

There's one friend in particular that I was thinking of this morning. It's been 7+ years since we went to Thailand together. We're Facebook friends and she's one of the two followers on this mostly-dormant blog. We occasionally talk via text or Facebook chat. And yet after all these years of not seeing each other and not even really communicating that often, I still consider her a friend.

I would absolutely, without a doubt get together with her for bi-weekly weekly  breakfast or coffee dates if we were ever even close to being in the same geographic region. And I often wish we were. 

She's passionate about life. Her passion is infectious. I like to think that we have quite a bit in common, but maybe that's just wishful thinking because she's one of the best people I know. 

Stephanie is an encourager. She's a world-changer. An adventurer. A Christ-follower. A soon-to-be nutritionist. An inspiration. A blessing. She is all about using her gifts, talents, and passions to bring the love of God to those around her. Sensitive to His calling on her life, she's not content to simply live an "ordinary" life. This post shows exactly what I mean. And it's posts like this that make me think that we might, in fact, be what Anne Shirley would call "kindred spirits."

Today I am thankful for this wonderful friend who I don't get to see nearly often enough. We've got some wonderful memories of our trip to Thailand but it's about time that we make some that are a bit more recent. Good luck with the rest of your finals, Steph. I am praying for strength and endurance over the next few week. Know that you are a blessing even now, 7+ years since the last time we've seen each other. How thankful I am for you!

Lent Fail...

So...I had high expectations as Lent began that I would write a letter of encouragement each and every day of this season. Unfortunately as school, work, and life got busier, I failed to make the time and effort to ensure that I completed the challenge that I set for myself. And while I'm disappointed, I am also encouraged. A few days after sending one letter, I received a text message that said, "Just got home from a very long day. GOT A WONDERFUL CARD. so wonderful, I cried. I love you. Thank you so much for thinking of me." The realization that it takes 10 simple minutes to write a letter that can have this impact is amazing. And I think I must be crazy to not write letters like this more often. While I failed in this endeavor, I'm not going to give up. While I may not have written the 40 letters that I intended to during this season, I did get a start. And I'm certainly not finished.

This post is inspired, in part, by a blog post of a friend of mine from today. In it, she mentioned a friend who made a list of 183 people that had played an important role in her life in the past year. She wrote each of the 183 names down and put them into a bowl. Every other morning she pulls out a name, spends two days praying for that individual, and writes a letter of encouragement. If that's not inspiring, I'm not sure what is. I want to be a person like that. So here goes...I'm going to try this again. But this time, I'm hoping to make it a lifestyle change. How cool would it be to write a letter of encouragement every other day to someone who has been influential in my life. It's simple, really. Take 10 of the 4 million minutes I spend wasting my life away on my computer and spend them writing an inspirational note of encouragement. I know for certain that I can't do this on my own strength, but I'm praying that God might enable me.

I'm going to get started on my list...check back in the future for more updates (if anyone is actually interested). I didn't read that blog post today on accident...and I'm sure that God has great plans to use the words that He gives me to be an inspiration and encouragement to the people that have been a blessing in my life.

And They're Off...

Today is day 4...and four letters have been written. The most recent letters are headed to Houghton, NY where I spent 4 wonderful years. Though I'm not going to take the time at this moment to provide details on who these letters are heading to, perhaps I will give more info at a later date. In the meantime, I'll continue my attempts to write letters full of beautiful, up-lifting words.

What a Blessing!

As I wrote my first two notes of encouragement, I simply couldn't help but be blessed as I thought of the wonderful memories of precious time spent with these two amazing women. In realizing that one letter is headed south to North Carolina and the other will be shipped across the Atlantic to Tanzania, I've realized how truly amazing it is that God has encouraged and built me up through the lives of two very special women who live far from me. In time spent with each of these godly friends, I have grown. In conversations with them, I have been blessed.

The letter heading south to North Carolina is on its way to my sweet sister-in-law, Erin. She recently returned home from Afghanistan after spending most of the fall and winter serving at Bagram Air Force Base. Though I don't have the opportunity to see her nearly as much as I would like, I have been blessed in knowing her. I love the way that she so obviously makes my brother happy like I've never seen him before. I appreciate the selflessness that she shows in serving our country despite the fact that it takes a toll on her life and separates her from her husband. I am thankful for her creativity, her thoughtfulness, and her passion for life. I am hopeful that in the future I'll be able to spend a lot more time with Erin and learn more about her dreams and passions for life. I am so thankful to finally have a sister after all these years...and what a sweet one I have. :)

Letter number two will be on its way to Tanzania in the very near future. Its final destination is the hands of my wonderful friend, Linda. Three years ago at this very moment, I was in Tanzania for a semester loving every single moment. Linda and her husband, Eli were there with me as part of Houghton's staff. While Eli taught classes about ornithology and biology, Linda taught lessons about life as she lived hers. Although she didn't stand up in front of the classroom and teach in a formal setting, she taught by example. She demonstrated the love and grace of Christ through her words and actions as she sought to be a friend and mentor to the students, a encouraging, wonderful wife to Eli, and a nurturing mother to one-year-old Ezra. During my time in Tanzania, I often spent evenings with Linda as she fed Ezra dinner and prepared him for bed. When I returned to Houghton the following fall, I was blessed once again to spend time with the family as I babysat for Ezra on a regular basis. The more time I spent with Linda, the more she blessed me. Memories of afternoons and evenings spent at the house on the hill are a continual encouragement to me even now. I was blessed to be able to stay up at the house with Linda and Ezra for a time while Eli was away in West Africa and I had the distinct privilege of reading bedtime stories and spending time with Ez on some of the more difficult nights when Eli was in Tanzania last semester while Linda stayed home with Ezra and their newborn daughter. My time spent with Linda has encouraged me and uplifted me in so many ways. I am beyond thankful for her authenticity, encouragement, and devotion to God and her family.

While I began this post not intending to give descriptions of the wonderful women who will be receiving letters, I'm glad that I have. It has allowed me to reflect more fully on the difference that they have made in my life and the encouragement that they have been to me and so many others. I will continue to pray for Erin and Linda in the next several weeks and beyond.

God, I thank you for the way that you have used Erin and Linda as an encouragement in my life. I am so thankful for the godly influence that they have had on me. I pray that you would bless them in amazing ways today and always. I pray that you would guide and protect them. Please place your hand on Erin and provide healing for the vertigo that she has been facing over the last several months. Give her peace and allow her to rest in you. I pray that you would bless Linda, Eli, Ezra, and Indi as they spend this semester serving you and the students in Tanzania. I pray that you would continue to bless others through their testimony. May they be encouraged. Please provide Linda with the support that she needs as she acts once again as a wife, mother, and friend in Tanzania. I know that it is not always an easy road, but I pray that you would keep them healthy and encouraged as they bless those that they interact with on a daily basis. Thank you once again for the tremendous blessing that both Erin and Linda have been to me.

Letter-Writing

Today is day 2 of my attempt to hand-write letters of encouragement to those I love and to those who have made a difference in my life. I began yesterday as planned, but after re-reading the letter that I wrote, I've decided to start again. I still wrote a letter yesterday...and will write another letter to a different person today, but I'm going to change up the first one and then send it. :) I'm still excited to see where this adventure of letter writing will take me and I'm certain that God is planning to teach me quite a lot! Happy Thursday!!

Relentless ACTS: Letters of Encouragement

Prior to my time at Houghton, I knew little of lent and had not spent much time thinking about it. During my freshman year, I spent a week in Buffalo working with refugee students in an after school program. While I was there, I stayed with a Houghton grad who had chosen to give up her mornings for lent. I was a bit confused at first, but quickly realized that she intended to rise early each morning to devote her time to prayer. In order to make this sacrifice, she chose to go to bed early on nights when we were having fun. She chose to acknowledge her alarm the first time it went off and dedicated her quiet mornings to the Lord.

In the past few years I have given up things like Facebook and dessert for lent. But as I was thinking and praying about this season this year, I stumbled upon the World Vision ACTS website as they were promoting the idea of sacrifice this season. As I continued to think and pray it became clear to me what I should do this year for lent. Rather than give up something like Facebook or dessert, I have decided to commit each day to write (and mail) a handwritten letter of encouragement to a different person. Over the next 6 weeks, I will write 40 letters of encouragement. As I write each letter, I will pray for God's blessing and strength over each recipient. I am also hoping to create a collage of photos of each recipient to serve as an additional reminder for continued prayer. My hope is that God would renew my heart and allow this experience to be an encouragement to others.

I'm looking forward to all that I will learn over the next six weeks. I am confident that God will use this experience in ways that I cannot predict. Now my job is simply to step out in faith trusting that He will accomplish His purposes through me as I walk in obedience.

Not the life I dreamed of

In the past two (almost three) months that I have spent time at the Children's School of Rochester, it has truly become a place that I love more and more each day. As I continue to interact with students from all across the globe, I am reminded of the amazing ways that God orchestrates our lives. Who knew that my experiences in Thailand nearly 8 years ago would prepare me for the students that I interact with on an almost daily basis? Or that my time studying the history and culture of the Balkans during EMW would enable me to understand the background of my students from Bosnia? And that my time spent in Tanzania would equip me to build relationships with students who were born into refugee camps in the same country? Eight years ago, I would have told you that I was going to spend the rest of my life as a missionary in Thailand. Six years ago, I probably would have said the same thing. And yet, here I am today, in Rochester, New York. I'm not on the other side of the world serving. I haven't even left the continent since I studied in Tanzania in 2009. But I feel fully alive in the same way that I do when I'm serving overseas. I feel enthusiastic, joyful, and passionate about the work that I am doing. Although I'm still piecing jobs together, it seems that every single day, God provides more and more opportunities for me to fully utilize the gifts, interests, experiences, and passions that he has given me.

So maybe I don't live in Chiang Mai as my seventeen-year-old self insisted that I would. Maybe I'm not a physician's assistant working in medical missions as I once thought I would be. Maybe I am the teacher that I never thought I would be. And maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't trade it for anything in this world. I'm living the life that I never could have dreamed because of an amazing God who truly knows the desires and dreams of my heart more than I ever could.

Each Step of the Journey...

Driving home from running some errands today, I couldn't help but think back on how life has played out over the last several months. To be honest, if I were in control, I think I may have done things differently. But now, being in the place that I'm in, I'm quite certain that God's plan really and truly is best despite the curves and detours along that way that I don't always understand.

I graduated from college back in May and eagerly anticipated searching for a job teaching. I knew that job openings were few and far-between, but I was ambitious. However, I realized that I would need some other work in the summer prior to beginning the perfect teaching job in the fall. I had it all lined-up to work at a business here in town...or so I thought. I called two weeks prior to the day that I planned on starting as I had been asked to do. I was told that they had recently hired two new employees and that they no longer had a position for me. My first reaction was to be frustrated...I hadn't looked for other work because I was told that I had a job that would begin as soon as we returned from our honeymoon. Through a series of events, instead of working for this local business, I wound up nannying for my wonderful neighbors.

I've had the blessing to watch these two little cuties for the last 7 and a half months and I couldn't possibly be more thankful! They brightened my days all throughout the summer and they continue to make my Friday's absolutely wonderful. It's also a ton of fun when their three older siblings are home!

During the summer, I interviewed for a few different teaching jobs. Unfortunately, none of them worked out. While I was a bit discouraged, God continued to give me a peace in the midst of the uncertainty. I began working at a dentist's office in town...simply doing whatever tasks needed to be done. I was easily discouraged because I felt that my work didn't have a very large impact. I wanted to do so much more.

For several months, I watched Luke and CJ and worked at the dentist's office. I was thankful for work, but desperately wanted to do something meaningful. As I waited patiently, God directed me in incredible ways. At the beginning of December, I took a position teaching ESL to 5 international students at Rochester Christian School. I work 3 mornings a week with these awesome students who are living here in America to study and learn. I began pursuing the idea of working on my master's degree this spring, and everything fell into place. And then...after I had followed God's leading in so many previous steps, I was offered the position in the afterschool program at the Children's School.

I am so incredibly thankful for the way that God guides and leads during each step of the journey. He knew the plan before I had even a hint. And while I may have done things differently, I am so glad that I'm not the one in control. Because He knows me better than I know myself...and He's placed me exactly where He wants me. And so this week, I continue teaching ESL at Rochester Christian. I'm starting my second week at the Children's School. Wednesday marks the beginning of grad school. And Fridays are still my wonderful end to the week spent with none other than two of my very most favorite one-year olds. God is faithful and I am blessed!

The World in a School

2012 has already been an exciting and wonderful year...and I am so thankful. Since sometime in December, I have been volunteering at the Children's School of Rochester (also known as school 15). I spend all day on Tuesdays in a 2nd grade classroom helping out wherever possible. It has been such a blessing to build relationships with each of the students in my classroom. They are precious children from a variety of different backgrounds. You see, the Children's School isn't your typical school. 50% of the students at the school are from countries all across the world. There are students from Burma, Nepal, Thailand, Laos, Sudan, Burundi, Tanzania, Somalia, Yemen, and several other countries. They each have unique stories that define who they are and I cannot wait to learn more about those stories.

On my 3rd or 4th day at the Children's School, I was sitting with the second grade teachers as they discussed an after school program that is run on Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays at CSR. They were short on staff members and suggested that I apply. I was immediately excited about the opportunity and pleasantly surprised that if fit into my schedule that consisted of 2 other jobs and grad school classes as well. God truly amazes me with the way He orchestrates the details of our lives.

Last Tuesday, I applied for the job. I interviewed on Wednesday, completed training on Thursday, and began working with the students on Monday. I finished my first week of EnCompass this afternoon. I can honestly say that there is no other job that I would rather have right now. I leave CSR every afternoon with a giant smile on my face. Those children touch my life in such amazing ways. The other day I had a conversation with a student who was born in a refugee camp in Tanzania. I shared with him that I had lived there for a few months in college and that I knew a small amount of Swahili. The following day as I was walking down the hall, I felt a tap on my shoulder and turned to be greeted with a warm, "Jambo!" It's crazy to realize that my experiences in Thailand, Tanzania, and Eastern Europe have all prepared me to work with students from all over the place!

I couldn't possibly be more content at any other school. As I drove home from work today, I contemplated how blessed I really am. I truly believe that I could travel throughout the entire world and not find a school that I love as much as CSR. The principal, teachers, staff, and students are amazing. The school set-up is ideal. And I've never felt more at home.

Read an awesome story about CSR here: http://www.democratandchronicle.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=2011112200341

Memories of 2011

The year of 2011 has brought more change to my life than any other. It has been a wonderful year full of wonderful changes and many meaningful memories with family and friends. I am blessed beyond belief and have so much to be thankful for.

I am so thankful for a sisterhood of beautiful friends that I shared 4 years with at Houghton. Though we are spread around the world (literally), I will forever cherish our friendships.

What a blessing Anna and Steph have been in my life. During my last year at Houghton, I lived with these wonderful women as we shared the journey of student teaching, wedding planning, and job searching. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead journeying through life together.

Mom and Dad, thank you so much for your support. I am so very thankful for everything that you have done for me. I love you both!

So thankful for these all of these wonderful ladies. I'm blessed with such beautiful friends and family!! Especially thankful for my sweet sister-in-law, Erin, as she spent this Christmas season in Afghanistan serving our country. Can't wait to see you again!

May 28th simply wouldn't have been the same without you there, Chris. Given the chance to do it over again, I would start our wedding over an hour late every single time if it meant that you were able to be there to share in the celebration!

An adorable little nephew who gets bigger, smarter, and crazier every time we see him!

A goofy, fun-loving husband who is better to me than I could have ever imagined.

May 28th was the most beautiful day ever. I was so excited to begin our life together as a married couple and we were blessed beyond belief with the presence of so many of our close friends and family members.

My beautiful and always-supportive cousin...we even learned to cook our own turkeys together this year and I'll say that it turned out pretty darn delicious!

Wonderfully supportive parents...two sets now!

A new family! :) I'm loving being a Brown!

We love getting together for dinners with Steph and Chris. Your house is next!

What a blessing it was to share in the celebration of Chris and Erin's wedding!

Our first Christmas!! :)

A reunion with two of the best friends I could ever ask for! Anna and Jon were visiting from B.C. and we were so glad that they could come for dinner last week!

All in all, 2011 was an amazingly wonderful year full of all of God's greatest blessings. I cannot wait to see all that He has in store for 2012.

Set the World On Fire

It's hard to believe that we've already been married for two months. Tomorrow, my lifelong friend and closest companion over the last several years of my life is getting married. I am so excited for her and so glad to be able to continually walk through the various stages of life together. I love knowing that I have such a close friend who will always be there to support and encourage me...and it sure helps that we are at the same point in our lives. I am also extremely excited about the opportunities that we will have as two Christ-following couples to make a difference in the world. There is SO much that we can do and I'm eager to embark on some of these adventures in the near future.

Just over two months ago when I was attempting to finalize song choices for the wedding and reception, I was really struggling to pick a recessional song. I wanted something meaningful yet fun. I wanted it to have a deeper meaning. I searched for what seemed like an eternity and finally stumbled across a song that I knew but had forgotten about. Brit Nicole's, "Set the World on Fire" was exactly the type of song I was looking for. Walking out of the church for the first time as husband and wife, I felt that this was such a powerful song...a dedicatory song saying, "God, we want to be the tools that You use to set Your world on fire." The lyrics of the song hit me every single time I hear it played. It is absolutely my passion. In case you're unfamiliar, here's how it goes:

I wanna set the world on fire

Until it's burning bright for you
It's everything that i desire
Can i be the one you use?

I, I am small but
You you are big enough
I, I am weak but
You you are strong enough to

Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with you
There's nothing I cannot do
Nothing I cannot do

I wanna feed the hungry children
And reach across the farthest land
And tell the broken there is healing
And mercy in the father's hands

My hands my feet
My everything
My life my love
Lord use me

I wanna set the world on fire
Wanna set the world on fire yeah

Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with you
There's nothing i cannot do


We had originally hoped that a friend of ours could sing it and change all of the "I"'s to "we"'s and the "my"'s to "our"'s, etc...but we weren't able to. But everytime I hear this song I'll be reminded of our wonderful, beautiful wedding day and the beginning of our life together. And I'll also be reminded of the powerful ways that God can use us when we truly say, "My hands, my feet, my everything. My life, my love, Lord use me." That is my genuine and passionate prayer each and everyday. Please God, awaken our dreams and passions that we might use them for Your glory.

World Refugee Day

This past weekend, Tim and I had the opportunity to be involved in the World Refugee Day Celebration at the Children's School of Rochester. It was an absolutely amazing experience and we are so excited about the opportunities to get more involved with the refugee community in Rochester.

The moment we walked into the gym, I was recruited by a teacher from school 5 to help paint faces (and arms, legs,and necks!) She asked if I had any artistic ability and would be willing to help. Artistic ability? No way! Willing to help? Not only willing but beyond thrilled to be asked. And I jumped right into it. Tim was ever so gracious and helped clean up the stencils after every painting job. :)

Throughout the day we interacted with children and families from East Africa, Burma, Nepal, Bhutan, and other places. I had conversations with many of the children and loved the interactions. I talked with teachers from school 5 and 15 and heard all about their challenging yet wonderful jobs. I was invited to observe in classrooms, join a committee, and to apply for teaching positions. The teachers were so gracious, giving advice, being genuinely interested in my experiences, and welcoming me in so quickly! One of the teachers even introduced me to the principal of the Children's School while praising my willingness to jump right in, telling him about my experiences abroad, and writing my name on a piece of paper as a reminder. I have no idea if they have any openings for next year, but there is no school that I would rather teach at. My passions, my experiences, and my talents could be utilized so fully in a setting like this. I could go on and on and on about all of the positive things I admire about this school and its principal.

Regardless of whether I find a teaching job in the school, you can be sure that we'll be involved in the refugee community in Rochester. It is something that excites us both and I am so glad we were able to make these connections. Thanks so much, Jesse, for telling us about this amazing event!!

In a few short days, I will walk across the stage of the Wesley Chapel to receive a piece of paper that tells me I’m finished here. I’ve completed my degree requirements. I’ve had my share of fun, challenging, and fruitful experiences. I’ve built relationships that will last a lifetime. I’ve experienced joy and heartache. I’ve endured warm sunny spring afternoons and windy snow-covered wintry mornings. I’ve grown and I’ve changed. This latest chapter of my life is all but concluded.

And while this transition will be bittersweet in many ways, I am ready to move on. I’m thankful for the friendships and the memories. The learning experiences and the laughs. I have been so blessed through my 4 years here at Houghton and I wouldn’t trade them for the world. I’m thankful that I have a vast store of fun memories to consider as I look back on my college years. And I’m thrilled that these 4 years have enabled and equipped me to make an even greater impact on the world around me. I cannot wait to begin this new leg of the journey!

The excitement that I am feeling now is very similar to the way that I felt at the end of my high school years. The fall of my senior year, I wrote about my joys and passions, my dreams and my visions. As my college years come to a close, I am realizing all of these dreams and joys yet again. I cannot wait to be able to continue to use my gifts, talents, interests and abilities to impact the world. For nostalgia’s sake, here’s the excerpt of what I wrote back in November of 2006:

In all honesty, I don’t think I’ve even been this excited about my future before. I have so many hopes, so many dreams that I would love for God to fulfill in me. I want to be everything that He wants me to be. I want to change the world…I want to help those less fortunate than myself in so many ways. I want to get beyond the individual level and have an impact on a people as a whole. I want to do amazing things.

Tonight has been one full of realizations and discoveries of interests I’m not sure I ever knew I had before. Doing research for my papers has really had an impact on me over these past few days. It’s so weird…I am so excited about writing these papers…especially those dealing with international stuff. I want to know what’s being done to stop the atrocities in our world and figure out what more should be done to be more effective. I want my eyes to be opened even more to the awful things that go on in our world. I want to change the world…I want to impact the world for Jesus Christ. I want to defend the weak and help those that are in dire need. I want to put an end to so many different things. I know that on my own I am incapable. With the strength of God…with His help, I can do anything. I can pursue any career goal that I might choose…and I can trust that He will use it for His ultimate glory. I could become a doctor and serve the people of East Africa. I could become a teacher and serve those in Southeast Asia. I could do something on a more large-scale basis and help change the lives of so many. I could pursue a career in medicine and use that to change major things in our world today…I could play a major role in fighting for human rights for the underprivileged children of this world.

Wow…I am so overcome with excitement right now, I can’t even contain it. I don’t think I’d be able to sleep right now, even if I tried. I am so excited about all that God is going to do in and through me! I love being passionate…it’s something I’d been lacking for a little while, but it’s certainly back….perhaps even stronger than ever before! I will make a difference with my life! I will impact those around me and those around the world. God is going to use me in so many amazing ways…I know it!!!

Perhaps the most exciting difference at this point in my life is the joy in knowing that Tim will be my companion through all of the journeys and adventures of this life. In 2 and a half weeks, I’ll walk down the aisle and commit to spend the rest of my life with my best friend. And together, we will have the privilege of embarking on the next leg of this journey called life. I am so excited because I realize that the impact that we can have together is so much greater than the impact we could each make on our own. At this point, Tim and I aren’t really sure exactly how God is going to use us in the future…but that excites me. It means that we’ll be forced to rely on Him to show us each step of the way as we journey in His grace. In conversation with a friend recently, he told me he hopes that Tim and I never know where we will be or what we will be doing 18 months from now. I would love to be so sensitive to God’s leading and His call on our lives that we would be willing to follow wherever He would call us.

I cannot wait to see how God works in and through our soon-to-be established marriage. I am so eager to see the ways that He will use us for His glory in the lives of those around us. I love adventures. I love knowing that I am using the gifts, talents, passions, and abilities that God has given me. And while I don’t know where God’s plan for my life and the dreams He’s given me will intersect, I am thrilled to know that fully realize that the journey truly is the destination. Each step along the way is influential in molding me and shaping me into the person that God desires me to be.

If you’re reading this, please pray with me that God would reveal His plan and His purpose to Tim and me in the coming days. Not that we would know all that He has in store for us, but that we might catch a glimpse and have an opportunity to jump in feet-first with all of the enthusiasm and excitement that we can muster.

Reviving Hope

I've attempted this blogging thing once before and I must say that I failed pretty miserably. I had intended on keeping everyone back in America up on all of my African adventures, but I did not update once while I was in Tanzania. So here I am, attempting once again to create a blog. I was attempting to come up with a name for my blog and was reading in Isaiah 58 for inspiration. I really feel as though my life passage is Isaiah 58: 6-11:

"Is not this the fast that I choose:
to loose the bonds of wickedness,
to undo the straps of the yoke,to let the oppressed go free,
and to break every yoke?Is it not to share your bread with the hungry
and bring the homeless poor into your house;when you see the naked, to cover him,
and not to hide yourself from your own flesh? Then shall your light break forth like the dawn,
and your healing shall spring up speedily;your righteousness shall go before you;
the glory of the LORD shall be your rear guard.Then you shall call, and the LORD will answer;
you shall cry, and he will say, 'Here I am.'If you take away the yoke from your midst,
the pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness,if you pour yourself out for the hungry
and satisfy the desire of the afflicted,then shall your light rise in the darkness
and your gloom be as the noonday. And the LORD will guide you continually
and satisfy your desire in scorched places
and make your bones strong;and you shall be like a watered garden,
like a spring of water,
whose waters do not fail.

When we were in Tanzania, Andy Hart shared these verses with us. They struck me then and they strike me each time I read them. It is our responsibility and our role to bring freedom for the oppressed, to share food with the hungry, to provide shelter for the homeless. This isn't just one of those callings that only some are urged to follow. This is a call for each of us. It breaks my heart when people say, "Well, that's just not for me" or "That's someone else's job." We might be the only hope that some people have. How dare we try to pass off that responsibility, that opportunity, that blessing to someone else. And it truly is a blessing. I desire to be one that revives hope in the lives of those who experience only despair. I desperately want to bring joy to the lives of those who live in fear. I want to be in the work of reviving hope for those that need it most.