He Heals the Broken-Hearted

Nearly 2.5 years later, here I am. I have visited this space a few times and have begun to spill my words onto the page. And yet, I've navigated away leaving my words unsaid and trapping my thoughts inside my head instead. But today I am determined not to do that. Today, I will allow the words inside my head to tumble out onto this blog, regardless of how clumsy and uncertain they may sound.

About a year and a half ago, Tim and I moved an hour and a half east of the small town where we'd both grown up. We settled in Syracuse where I began teaching middle school ESL in the Syracuse City School District. It was my dream job. I have had the opportunity to build relationships with some of the most incredible, resilient, overcoming young people I have ever met. I have been blessed to come to know their families and hear their awe-inspiring stories. I have shared delicious meals, stumbled in my not-so-strong Swahili, laughed at the silliness of children that knows no cultural bounds, and cried countless tears as I've learned of the pain that so many of these precious teenagers have endured. My first year came to a close last June and I felt blessed beyond belief. I felt as though I had been successful in helping my students acclimate to American culture, learn how to read, write, speak, and understand English, and simply feel loved all along the journey.

Six months ago, I began the adventure of a new school year. On that Tuesday morning, September 2, 2014, numerous new faces filled my classroom. Many were familiar, though few were well known. Over the last six months, this new batch has changed me. They have radically transformed my life. They have challenged me, and at times, they have made me feel like a complete failure. I have begun to hear and understand their stories and I have been wrecked. There are mornings and moments that I can think of nothing else but these unbelievable young people and the unimaginable pain that they have experienced in their short lives. This year though, there is one boy, one family that has pulled at my heart strings like none other.

He is thirteen years old. An eighth grader. His family comes from Burma, a land he himself has never seen or experienced. Born in a refugee camp in Thailand, he moved to America with his father, mother, and two siblings when he was about 5 years old. After a short time living in another state, he and his mother and siblings fled from an abusive situation. They found themselves in Syracuse where they have lived for the last several years. He is thirteen years old. An eighth grader. An eighth grader that can't read at a first grade level. A thirteen year old that does not know how to subtract. A precious, resilient young man who has essentially been abandoned by his father. A child who has been abused in numerous ways by numerous people. A boy who battles deep-seeded anger, depression, shame, and frustration. An incredible teenager that I love with everything that I am.

We have experienced the joy of connection. I have seen moments where his face lights up simply because he knows that someone cares. There have been mornings that he hasn't shown up for school that I have appeared at his house, dragged him out of bed, and brought him for the rest of the day. I have seen a kid who has consistently failed every class for the last several years finally pass every single class during the second quarter. I have seen determination and hard work and perseverance. I have experienced feelings of immense, immeasurable pride as I have watched this young man excel.

And then there are the other moments. The moments during which he seems to forget all of the positives. The moments in which he becomes buried beneath the weight of the pressure. The moments that my name becomes just another word mixed into a string of expletives or the very target of such expletives. The moments in which anger rises up and takes hold of his heart, his mind, and his mouth.

Oh how it stings. At first it stings for the pain and rejection I feel after giving so much, loving so deeply and being treated so poorly. And then the sting gets worse...not because of the pain that I am actually experiencing, but because of the pain I can only imagine he must feel. The pain that causes him to feel unworthy of love, of devoted care, of words of affirmation. The sting deepens as I realize that nothing I can say or do could ever free him from the weight of this burden. It intensifies as I understand that I cannot bear the load for him. It becomes unbearable as I continue to think of the pain, the sorrow, the sadness, the shame that he must live with on a daily basis. And my heart begins to break as I pray:

Dear Jesus,
Take this precious child of yours and wrap him in your arms. Overwhelm him with your love, your peace, your fullness, your joy. Remove the burden of sorrow, sadness, and shame from his shoulders. Cause him to see himself as you see him. As a beloved child of a Father who loves him without condition. Allow him to reach a point where he can truly accept love, care, and affirmation from those around him who love him deeply. Refresh his mind and renew his heart. May you draw him to yourself in a powerful way so that he never again doubts his purpose, his value, or his past. Use me to change his life for the better. And help me to remember that you love him far, far more than I ever could. Thank you for your faithfulness and your love for this incredible, resilient young man. I trust that you have unbelievable plans for his future and I look forward to seeing all of the incredible ways that you will use him. Be with him in this moment. Hold his heart. Wipe away his tears. Comfort his mind. Restore his soul. Overwhelm him with a sense of joy he has never known. Draw him close to you.

I rest only in the knowledge that my God loves this boy more than I ever could. That he is truly a father to the fatherless. That he heals the broken-hearted and comforts the abused. That he is a helper to the helpless and a fighter for the hopeless. Tonight, this song gives me rest.

World's Worst Blogger

That's me. And yet, it's something that I love, enjoy, and find therapeutic when I dedicate the time to do so. I am constantly encouraged as I read past posts that reveal the work of God in my life. I think my problem is that I often feel a blog post needs to be profound, life-changing, and extraordinary. But I'm realizing more and more that the blogs I enjoy reading are those of friends and real people who simply talk about their everyday life. I've also come to the realization that I don't really blog for anyone else...this is just a way for me to express my thoughts and a way that enables me to better see the path that I am journeying along. And a way to reflect on all that life has been up to this point.

This morning on my way to work, God brought to mind many friends and acquaintances that I had the opportunity to meet through missions trips that I took in high school. While I have not seen most of these people in 7+ years, there is something about spending a month with someone in the context of a missions trip that builds and solidifies relationship like nothing else. Perhaps it's the experience of adapting to culture shock together. Or the depth of the prayers prayed in unity. Maybe it's the crazy experiences that you share in common as a result of such trips. Things like smelling absolutely terrible after not being able to shower for days at a time. Like cramming 18+ people in the bed of a pick-up truck climbing a mountain on a wet, mucky red clay road. And getting stuck. And walking the rest of the way barefoot.  There's just something about seeking God together and endeavoring to serve His people that brings unity. And I love it.

There's one friend in particular that I was thinking of this morning. It's been 7+ years since we went to Thailand together. We're Facebook friends and she's one of the two followers on this mostly-dormant blog. We occasionally talk via text or Facebook chat. And yet after all these years of not seeing each other and not even really communicating that often, I still consider her a friend.

I would absolutely, without a doubt get together with her for bi-weekly weekly  breakfast or coffee dates if we were ever even close to being in the same geographic region. And I often wish we were. 

She's passionate about life. Her passion is infectious. I like to think that we have quite a bit in common, but maybe that's just wishful thinking because she's one of the best people I know. 

Stephanie is an encourager. She's a world-changer. An adventurer. A Christ-follower. A soon-to-be nutritionist. An inspiration. A blessing. She is all about using her gifts, talents, and passions to bring the love of God to those around her. Sensitive to His calling on her life, she's not content to simply live an "ordinary" life. This post shows exactly what I mean. And it's posts like this that make me think that we might, in fact, be what Anne Shirley would call "kindred spirits."

Today I am thankful for this wonderful friend who I don't get to see nearly often enough. We've got some wonderful memories of our trip to Thailand but it's about time that we make some that are a bit more recent. Good luck with the rest of your finals, Steph. I am praying for strength and endurance over the next few week. Know that you are a blessing even now, 7+ years since the last time we've seen each other. How thankful I am for you!

Lent Fail...

So...I had high expectations as Lent began that I would write a letter of encouragement each and every day of this season. Unfortunately as school, work, and life got busier, I failed to make the time and effort to ensure that I completed the challenge that I set for myself. And while I'm disappointed, I am also encouraged. A few days after sending one letter, I received a text message that said, "Just got home from a very long day. GOT A WONDERFUL CARD. so wonderful, I cried. I love you. Thank you so much for thinking of me." The realization that it takes 10 simple minutes to write a letter that can have this impact is amazing. And I think I must be crazy to not write letters like this more often. While I failed in this endeavor, I'm not going to give up. While I may not have written the 40 letters that I intended to during this season, I did get a start. And I'm certainly not finished.

This post is inspired, in part, by a blog post of a friend of mine from today. In it, she mentioned a friend who made a list of 183 people that had played an important role in her life in the past year. She wrote each of the 183 names down and put them into a bowl. Every other morning she pulls out a name, spends two days praying for that individual, and writes a letter of encouragement. If that's not inspiring, I'm not sure what is. I want to be a person like that. So here goes...I'm going to try this again. But this time, I'm hoping to make it a lifestyle change. How cool would it be to write a letter of encouragement every other day to someone who has been influential in my life. It's simple, really. Take 10 of the 4 million minutes I spend wasting my life away on my computer and spend them writing an inspirational note of encouragement. I know for certain that I can't do this on my own strength, but I'm praying that God might enable me.

I'm going to get started on my list...check back in the future for more updates (if anyone is actually interested). I didn't read that blog post today on accident...and I'm sure that God has great plans to use the words that He gives me to be an inspiration and encouragement to the people that have been a blessing in my life.

And They're Off...

Today is day 4...and four letters have been written. The most recent letters are headed to Houghton, NY where I spent 4 wonderful years. Though I'm not going to take the time at this moment to provide details on who these letters are heading to, perhaps I will give more info at a later date. In the meantime, I'll continue my attempts to write letters full of beautiful, up-lifting words.

What a Blessing!

As I wrote my first two notes of encouragement, I simply couldn't help but be blessed as I thought of the wonderful memories of precious time spent with these two amazing women. In realizing that one letter is headed south to North Carolina and the other will be shipped across the Atlantic to Tanzania, I've realized how truly amazing it is that God has encouraged and built me up through the lives of two very special women who live far from me. In time spent with each of these godly friends, I have grown. In conversations with them, I have been blessed.

The letter heading south to North Carolina is on its way to my sweet sister-in-law, Erin. She recently returned home from Afghanistan after spending most of the fall and winter serving at Bagram Air Force Base. Though I don't have the opportunity to see her nearly as much as I would like, I have been blessed in knowing her. I love the way that she so obviously makes my brother happy like I've never seen him before. I appreciate the selflessness that she shows in serving our country despite the fact that it takes a toll on her life and separates her from her husband. I am thankful for her creativity, her thoughtfulness, and her passion for life. I am hopeful that in the future I'll be able to spend a lot more time with Erin and learn more about her dreams and passions for life. I am so thankful to finally have a sister after all these years...and what a sweet one I have. :)

Letter number two will be on its way to Tanzania in the very near future. Its final destination is the hands of my wonderful friend, Linda. Three years ago at this very moment, I was in Tanzania for a semester loving every single moment. Linda and her husband, Eli were there with me as part of Houghton's staff. While Eli taught classes about ornithology and biology, Linda taught lessons about life as she lived hers. Although she didn't stand up in front of the classroom and teach in a formal setting, she taught by example. She demonstrated the love and grace of Christ through her words and actions as she sought to be a friend and mentor to the students, a encouraging, wonderful wife to Eli, and a nurturing mother to one-year-old Ezra. During my time in Tanzania, I often spent evenings with Linda as she fed Ezra dinner and prepared him for bed. When I returned to Houghton the following fall, I was blessed once again to spend time with the family as I babysat for Ezra on a regular basis. The more time I spent with Linda, the more she blessed me. Memories of afternoons and evenings spent at the house on the hill are a continual encouragement to me even now. I was blessed to be able to stay up at the house with Linda and Ezra for a time while Eli was away in West Africa and I had the distinct privilege of reading bedtime stories and spending time with Ez on some of the more difficult nights when Eli was in Tanzania last semester while Linda stayed home with Ezra and their newborn daughter. My time spent with Linda has encouraged me and uplifted me in so many ways. I am beyond thankful for her authenticity, encouragement, and devotion to God and her family.

While I began this post not intending to give descriptions of the wonderful women who will be receiving letters, I'm glad that I have. It has allowed me to reflect more fully on the difference that they have made in my life and the encouragement that they have been to me and so many others. I will continue to pray for Erin and Linda in the next several weeks and beyond.

God, I thank you for the way that you have used Erin and Linda as an encouragement in my life. I am so thankful for the godly influence that they have had on me. I pray that you would bless them in amazing ways today and always. I pray that you would guide and protect them. Please place your hand on Erin and provide healing for the vertigo that she has been facing over the last several months. Give her peace and allow her to rest in you. I pray that you would bless Linda, Eli, Ezra, and Indi as they spend this semester serving you and the students in Tanzania. I pray that you would continue to bless others through their testimony. May they be encouraged. Please provide Linda with the support that she needs as she acts once again as a wife, mother, and friend in Tanzania. I know that it is not always an easy road, but I pray that you would keep them healthy and encouraged as they bless those that they interact with on a daily basis. Thank you once again for the tremendous blessing that both Erin and Linda have been to me.

Letter-Writing

Today is day 2 of my attempt to hand-write letters of encouragement to those I love and to those who have made a difference in my life. I began yesterday as planned, but after re-reading the letter that I wrote, I've decided to start again. I still wrote a letter yesterday...and will write another letter to a different person today, but I'm going to change up the first one and then send it. :) I'm still excited to see where this adventure of letter writing will take me and I'm certain that God is planning to teach me quite a lot! Happy Thursday!!

Relentless ACTS: Letters of Encouragement

Prior to my time at Houghton, I knew little of lent and had not spent much time thinking about it. During my freshman year, I spent a week in Buffalo working with refugee students in an after school program. While I was there, I stayed with a Houghton grad who had chosen to give up her mornings for lent. I was a bit confused at first, but quickly realized that she intended to rise early each morning to devote her time to prayer. In order to make this sacrifice, she chose to go to bed early on nights when we were having fun. She chose to acknowledge her alarm the first time it went off and dedicated her quiet mornings to the Lord.

In the past few years I have given up things like Facebook and dessert for lent. But as I was thinking and praying about this season this year, I stumbled upon the World Vision ACTS website as they were promoting the idea of sacrifice this season. As I continued to think and pray it became clear to me what I should do this year for lent. Rather than give up something like Facebook or dessert, I have decided to commit each day to write (and mail) a handwritten letter of encouragement to a different person. Over the next 6 weeks, I will write 40 letters of encouragement. As I write each letter, I will pray for God's blessing and strength over each recipient. I am also hoping to create a collage of photos of each recipient to serve as an additional reminder for continued prayer. My hope is that God would renew my heart and allow this experience to be an encouragement to others.

I'm looking forward to all that I will learn over the next six weeks. I am confident that God will use this experience in ways that I cannot predict. Now my job is simply to step out in faith trusting that He will accomplish His purposes through me as I walk in obedience.