A Dangerous Prayer

Have you ever prayed a prayer without fully realizing the gravity of what you're asking? Have you ever begged God for something without thinking of the implications that it might have on your day to day life? Have you ever hoped and prayed for something that you would never truly understand until it came to pass? I have. A while ago (and probably several times over the course of my life) I have prayed a prayer that has totally rocked my world and changed my life. That prayer was this:

And goodness has it ever been answered. In the hardest of ways. I'm not sure what ever possessed me to pray this in the first place. I mean, seriously, how crazy do you have to be to pray for someone to break your heart?? I'm not entirely sure, but apparently I am that crazy. And I guess I'm also crazy enough to be glad that I prayed that prayer. Is it easy? Ha. Not even close. Is it fun? Maybe as fun as a root canal (though I've never had one myself, so I'm not certain). Is it a prayer I'm thankful I prayed? Honestly, somedays yes. Somedays no. Is it life changing? Without a doubt.

I've learned a lot since I prayed that prayer. I think I've come to realize more and more what things truly break the heart of God, because I know for sure that more and more things have broken mine. Seeing families broken apart by war and alcoholism and mental illness breaks my heart. Watching shame, pain, and anger take over the hearts and minds and mouths of the teenagers that I love with all that I am breaks my heart. Listening to friends (and walking alongside of them) as they share stories of a past spent in refugee camps, adjusting to a "better" life here in America, and navigating through all of the new difficulties breaks my heart. Observing as young men and women continually feel like failures as they seek to survive and thrive in a school system not designed for them breaks my heart. Reading and receiving messages begging me to come rescue "little sisters" from situations that are mentally, emotionally, and physically dangerous breaks my heart. These...and so many more...are true examples of events and experiences that have broken my heart in the last 2 months alone. 

It is painful. Oh so painful. But it's weird. I don't know that I have ever described pain as beautiful before, but I truly and wholeheartedly believe that this is a beautiful pain. The beauty comes in the way that I feel a camaraderie with these friends and "family members" that experience this pain. The beauty shines through in the way that I feel God has absolutely, without a doubt, given me His heart and His love and His passion for these people. On my own, I would never, ever be able to keep loving, keep giving, keep understanding, and even keep breathing somedays. 

Is this a dangerous prayer to pray? Absolutely. Is it worth it? I don't know that I've ever said or done or prayed anything more worthwhile. God is faithful. In the best of times. In the worst of times. And amazingly, His grace, love, compassion, and strength overwhelm me and flow through me even in the moments that I feel utterly broken, helpless, and hopeless. When I am weak, He is strong. 

So please, God, please continue to break my heart for what breaks Yours. And continue to be my strength when I am at my weakest.